UNderstanding

After having a talk with my uncle, i feel much more better....
someone who have passed all this stage, having a good advise and heart talk with my beloved uncle. There's nothing cant be settle, why dont i work both of it out? How if that prolly work out?

Dont see thing and do think so much.
Life only can called life because we dont know our future and we work hard for it all the time.
So i not going to think only for other but at the same time i can think for my own.
Anything will be fine if we really take a step and work hard on it. Dont think is the result bad or good, because we doesnt know how it look like. '

Sometime, is because you expect yourself too high and want to have a good thing to everyone
then you will only think how bad you are and how bad if u fail,
going to make them lose hope.

Think only good to your own, find back the positive way you are. There's many negative thing around but only trust can go through it.
DOnt make the one you love and those who love you worried about you anymore.

hope she can stay happy and understand me more. I am standing in both side to think
Do i really know all about her? or i onl know 50% of her?
What is the best way to protect her?
What she need?
Think back i am too bad cause i also cant even 100% answer all this myself.....
But everything will be ok, if she cant accept it or what i also wont force cause i want her to decide her own after we can have a talk to make everything clear and understanding?

There's no clear images

Everyday pass like so dead, Can i reformat myself?
I want to let go, but i cant lie to myself that i don love her.
I feel so pain, just like half of my body was gone,
Is this really good to me?
Is this really good to her?
Is this action can avoid what i scare about?
Do not involve her to somewhere she not familiar with?
I know short pain better than long term suffer, my future is so dusty and not clear, i cant make her walk with me, is dangerous.
Design, i first though is good and make money, but slowly all my friend come out with jobless and cant even settle themselve, if i were like them, how can i bring her with me?
BUt if i work it out, will i regret what i did to her?
I dont know she will walk with me anot, cos i know that path is stress and hard,
I scare she cant, so i make the move to not involve her.
But this move i am not good with, suffer and pain all the time, crying inside my heart, no one els know, only my blog and i know about it.
If i can have a chance,
I want to know is that possible for her and me again?
Will she wait me and work with me?

The fate you HAVE

Thomas everything will over soon, You can do it, just believe in yourself..
Is hard to forget her, but you must do it.
Avoid seeing direct to her, so you wont feel so horrible.

Keep your love deep into your heart.
Just let her know you are bad guy so that everything will be fine.
Dont need to say anything because that only make people feel you are so so so so
Fuck to explain what you did.

Sorry and Yes i can

So so so so so Sorry............
I do lie to all of you. Everyone i care i lie to them.
It is a hard process to go through,
I know many problem i have, i keep thinking of what i should do to bring all to you.

MOney, time, life, can I give you that? not only your parent ask me about that, but also myself..
can i really bring all this to you? NO i dont. I still dont know what my future is? How it look like?
When i know this i were so sufffer, what if i cant give u that, what if i am useless?
What if i cant make money and you need to suffer with me? what if?? this all come out in my mind....
I know you want a good life, enjoy everything, no need to stress and think for all. Got a happy life, I also hope you do, but i really dont know i can do that to you anot. I saw many poeple who study my field, design are making poor, and jobless. when i see that i feel so scary, what if i fail, then what will happen to you, all your dream gone, I dont want that to happen.

so i decided to first let you go, so that i can go for my future without bring you with me, plus i do feel so useless to be with you, cause i cant do anything of my own, i too focus on you, yea, u are right, why i cant do anything or i dont want to do anything when be with you, this because i scare you will look into what i really is when i do my thing, i know myself, when i do my work i dont like to be disturb, that why i dint do my work in front of you, i will scold people or i will sound crazy. I hope you understand, But you dint. PLus i do dont like you go with those always make joke on you, i feel like that not respecting you, and me. But you say me small gas and jealous. I just want to protect you but that not what you want. I too care of my own face as well, and you, i dont know you care or not, but that is the true.

I feel so bad and pain when i letting you go, i try to get a second chance with you togather with my future, but you say you dont want anymore, that time , my heart was hurt badly and the words you said is hurting me, that the reason why my tears keep coming out, that time i feel like what i work out is wasted and pointless, all the way...

But that also why i can letting you go without any delay, cause the best to letting me go is hurtting me so that i wont keep thinking on you. So i letting you go peacefully, and hope you can find your happiness that i cant bring to you. I am too selfish, i cant accept you to fail with me, i scare i ccant accept that i cant give you happiness, cant bring you future, cause i also cant see my future clear.

Sad and hurt will gone by time, slowly, even everytime i saw her, i feel not that good, but i will be fine sooner, cause i wont see her soon. I already get the agreement with dad so that i can study oversea, and go for my future with what i plan for.

Thomas you can do it, dont give up, you think mature enough for everything, even i know many people said you are not, but remember what your dad teach you, if you cant bring someone you love to a better life, dont go and spoil her life with your own hand. Thomas i know you are sad and hurt but cheer up, you can do it, give yourself a rest, other poeple dont know nevermind but you do know....... You can make it....... Is hard to forget her, but you can do it, trust in yourself. You did very well le, atleast other people help you care about her, put more love on her, this is what you want right.... Yes it is... I will keep this feeling of love to you deep inside my heart, I wont so easy believe that love can go through everything, that only end up with both suffer in life and poor condition, i dont want the one i love become like this, i want her to life happy..........

THOMAS.. cheer up and dont give up.. act nothing in front of everyone, 吃的苦中苦，方为人上人。 you cant be so selfish to involve her into the future you dont really clear about... SO so so Sorry that i am too 天真 that time.

I am so sorry to everyone i lie and act to, everyone i hurt too. Because of my selfishness.. So sorry.......

Thomas you can do it, dont give up ya..... I know is hard but you can do it..... YEs you can.......

Decission

Already more than one week i left her, i am happy to see her free. I am not the one that may bring her anything, I know from the beginning that everything i did, i dont hope she know or understand. I am selfish sometime, i know not everyone know what am i, but i do force them sometime. So stone.

I remember you told me before, do not think too much for other, think for your own first, if not you will get hurt or not been appreciate. I say it wont happen with tons of confident, but now i do know what you said is right, there's no one know unless you say it out. At the beginning you already see this will happen right? I want to say i am so so so.... SORRY to you. I should listen to you from the very beginning.

Firstly i think maybe i want to give myself a second chance to the relationship, but she instead say no to it. Many people ask me go for the second time, but i fail to do it. I choose to let it go because i dont want to make the one i love suffer. Yea, i am stupid, i say i may not love her at the end, but that not the true, i do love her more than what i expect. Slowly i think it well to let her go for myself and her as well. I just want to forget this feeling as soon as possible so that i wont be in worst situation. I dont care what happen to her and what she did, also what i did wrong in the pass. I just want to forget everything of it.

I talked to my family about that, I choose to leave KBU after my foundation and go oversea for a new life, here too much of bad memories of mine, relationship, family, friend. I wanted a new life which i can be my own. I dont want to act anymore, i want to be what i am, not be who people want me to be, or effected by them.

I am mature or not? There's no one can define for me. If people think you are mature then you are, if people think is not, then you are not. There's no one can said it. Only time can prove it. Lastly, i will go on my life with my own path.